So, I have to start this post out by apologizing. I feel like this post may come off a little dramatic. Writing everything out really helps express how I am feeling. Not that I don't have amazing and supportive people around me...because I definitely do. I have never felt more love come my way ever. The problem is me. I find that when I am around others lately I tend to go numb. I don't know what to say or how to act. I try to be normal and hold myself together. I am a strong woman....right? I mean, I think I am. I feel like I in control of my emotions.
Then "this" happens. "This" is not suppose to happen. You see... I am a planner. Beckham has scheduled activities and play groups. Family vacations are penciled in. My life is tentatively mapped out. I like structure.
Now... I understand things happen in life. That is how life is...it's just, why is it happening to my Beckham? I hear things like you are not given anything you can't handle and that this is one of life's tests. Maybe that is all true, but how I wish it didn't involve my little boy. Beckham is an innocent child. If this is my test in life, I desperately wish it didn't have to involve him.
Despite all the difficult and scary things going on with his body he is so strong. Is it funny that a three year old boy is such an example of strength to me?
How I wish I could take this all away. I wish this was all a bad dream.
A couple days ago I woke up hearing one of my kids saying, "Mommy! Mommy!" My heart stopped when my first thought was that it was Beckham. Beckham was home, awake and ready for me to make him breakfast. Then reality hit and it wasn't Beckham, it was Navy. Beckham was still in the hospital. Of course I love hearing my baby girl's little voice. That energetic crazy little girl brings me a lot of happiness. It's just when I thought it was Beckham, it was like all of this wasn't happening. Life was "normal."
Now, I know this is out of my hands. I know that all I can do is be the best mommy I can be and take care of him the best way I know how, learning about this cancer (believe me...I have been reading up) and what I can do to make Beckham's experience as good as I can make it.
I can't help but feel selfish though. I know there is a plan in life and I know we are given things to help us learn and grow. It's just, this isn't what is supposed to be happening! I want this to go away. I want Beckham to be healthy. I want him to have a normal three year old life. Carefree.. fun.. and adventurous.
Not, in and out of hospitals.
Not being carefully shadowed. Not with all the tests and pokes and scans and just all of this. I don't want people looking at him differently. I don't want judgements.
I want to protect him from all of this. I am Beckham's mommy and it kills me that I can't just give him a kiss on the cheek and take this away. I just want to make it all better. Isn't that my job?!
With that being said, I know I just need to be strong, even if I don't feel like it. I need to give him plenty of hugs and kisses and high fives. I will do all I can to make him feel as "normal" as I can. This may not be a "normal" situation, but I will do the best I can.